Takan's secret herbs
by Theleafylord
Summary: After suffering a severe bout of depression, Takan and Akkarin begin to formulate a to make Akkarrin happy again. But neither could predict what follows...
1. Depression is elevated

**Takan's secret herbs**

**Chapter 1: Depression is elevated.**

**Disclaimer: The Black Magicians trilogy belongs to Trudi Canavan.**

"Master, is something wrong?" asked Takan, eyeing the High Lord of the Magicians guild, who looked more weary and depressed than ever.

" I've just taken care of another problem." he said, rubbing his eyes out of habit. "This one was particulary, careless when it came to heatstrikes. At least seven people lost their lives." said Akkarin, his emotions hidden behind a mask that few could see through.

"I see the lad you asked to help you is working out fine then, master?" asked Takan, taking out a platter filled with several mysterious parcels, flavoured with Takan's own collection of herbs.

"Yes, he is proving exceedingly helpful." said Akkarin. He sighed. "How is Sonea? Has my incal scared the other novices off yet?"

Takan's eyes darkened. "Initially master. However, under the guidance of Regin, they have begun to torment her worse than ever. Apparently he noticed her apparent fear of you." A stranger wouldn't have noticed even the slightest of emotions on the high lords face, but to Takan, he was practically having a breakdown.

"And Lorlen?" asked Akkarin, his face darkening slightly.

" Still maintaining a brave face to the world, but there's among the servants that he's suffered a tremendous set back." said Takan, fearing his master's reaction.

Akkarin's self control was almost lost for a second." I'm struggling to continue with this charade." said Akkarin. " I'm tired of constantly hiding everything. I'm tried of worrying every night that if I fall, everything I care about falls."

Takan bowed his head respectfully. In eight years, his masters resolve had never wavered, but now, in two days, he was being to crack. " Master, perhaps you should take a break. It will be at least a week before the next spy can arrive, and in all likelihood it will be at least a month before the spy does arrive."

Akkarin gave a soft laugh. "I can't go anywhere. Me leaving might resort to Lorlen deciding I have done something drastic, and telling the guild, or if news gets out I had left the guild, certain outcasts may begin to believe that the guild has in fact gotten rid of me for using black magic. No old friend, I need to stay here."

Takan was thinking, and the faint outline of a plan forming in his mind when Sonea suddenly entered the room. She walked oddly, as if her muscles were hurting her. She bowed he head. "Greeting Takan. High Lord."

"Hello Sonea. " said Akkarin. "Did you enjoy your lessons today?"

"Yes, High Lord." she said.

"You were walking as if your muscles have had several spasms." said Akkarin. "Violent ones. The ones that generally occur as a direct result of stun strikes."

" I apologise High Lord, if my walking offended you." said Sonea bluntly. "I merely had a mild cramp."

"Very well." said Akkarin, by way of dismissal. When she left, he turned to Takan. " That is the effect I have. A common slum girl is being tortured every day and she's too scared of me to do anything about it."

Takan bowed his head respectfully. He never did like interrupting monologue's, and this one showed some promise. " Takan, do you remember those herbs we picked on the edge of the village?' aksed Akkarin. "The Happy herbs?"

Takan smiled. " Yes, I believe the people use it as an anti depressant. It certainly worked. Everywhere I looked, smiles."

Akkarin nodded. "The magicians there said he had to expand almost all his efforts into growing the herb. The people seem to need a constant supply of it."

"He assured me it wasn't addictive." said Takan. " Master, I'm sure if I flavour your supper with them, tonight's noble ball may be less, inhumane."

Akkarin nodded. " See that it is done." He rose silently. " If you care to remember the last time you were at the court with me, you will know what I'm up against." Takan nodded. Noble the houses may be, but they suck at light conversation.

The next morning….

"Master, are you awake yet?" asked Takan tentatively.

Akkarin groaned. "Uhh. What happened Takan? Last I remember I was eating the most delicious food you've ever prepared."

"Master, you went to the king's assembly. With your depression noticeably elevated. According to the other servants your were, paranoid and muttering most of the evening, and hit several of the Ambassadors with a soup spoon."

"I see." said Akkarin. "Anything else?"

"Yes, my lord, the head of House Winar came and attempted to convince you to get rid of Sonea and take Regin on as your apprentice." said Takan.

"Well, piss on him." said Akkarin, with feeling.

"That's just it my lord, you did." said Takan. "On a lighter note, you have twenty three more marriage requests."

"Hmm." said Akkarin. "Takan, I fear you should decide if we should continue with the herbs or not. I value my own happiness, but I do not place it above the importance of al Kyralia. You choose."

Takan thought about it. Long and hard. Every day for the past eight years he and Akkarin had suffered for people who didn't even know, let alone care. Yet they had a week, a safe week, in which Akkarin could finally unwind. And Akkarin unwinding, as Takan noted, would be extremely entertaining. Takan allowed himself a grin. "Master, I think, that the advantages of stress relief far outweigh the risks of losing a bit of control. I'll bring you your breakfast in twenty minutes."

Akkarin nodded, and the madness began.

**Just the start of a seven part thread of stories that I've recently started writing. I really like the black magicians trilogy, having recently began reading them after I got my hand son some of the books. Anyway, in the next chapter I will write his adventures from Akkarin's point of view, which include him training Sonea in the art of Soup spoon combat, and other disturbed stuff.**


	2. The really high lord

**The really high lord**

**Disclaimer: the black Magicians trilogy belongs to Trudi Canavan**

Sonea, was used to eating breakfast alone in the dining hall, surrounded by the other Novices. Now, however, the High Lord had requested that she had breakfast with him. Takan, was his usual stoic self, and bowed to her politely and put a plate of some kind of porridge in front of her.

"Thank you Takan." she said politely.

"My…..pleasure my lady." said Takan, bowing, but a strange evil grin had appeared on his face. For some unknown reason, he stood in the corner, hidden by shadow, instead of leaving the room.

"Hello, Sonea." said the high lord, walking into the room, smiling happily and carrying a soup spoon.

Sonea looked at the sight disbelievingly. Akkarin smiling. Takan watching passively from the shadows. Her eyes widened. She had no idea what his intentions were, but she had a nasty feeling they couldn't be good.

"Sonea, you lied to me yesterday." said Akkarin. His smile was unnatural. For him at least. It was a _full _smile. "It turns out the other Novices take a distinct pleasure in battering your shields down, and then tormenting you with stun strike."

Sonea didn't know what to say. She didn't want to tell him. She'd rather let them continue torturing her than let him know. She opened her mouth to say something but he cut her off. "That's when I realised, you didn't want to tell me." His grin, by now was positively childish.

"You want to fight your own battles. And I can't fight your own battles for you. Because then they won't be your battles. Then they would be my battles. And then I would fight my own battles, which were previously yours. So by definition, I won't be fighting your battles, because they would become my battles, but then I started thinking, soup spoons…." Akkarin gazed dreamily into the distance. "Anyway, I'm going to train you in extreme soup spoon combat!"

Sonea meant to ask him if he was crazy. She meant to respond angrily. Instead, the mixture of fear and confusion caused her to blurt out, "You want me too fight with a soup spoon?"

"Yes, and here it is, your deadly weapon!" he said, kneeling and handing her the soup spoon.

"It's a soup spoon." said Sonea.

"Yes, but don't overestimate it. It's not as powerful as the ye old soup spoon of ye olden times." said Akkarin, drawing his own soup spoon. "Okay, now follow my instructions."

Sonea gazed at him numbly. This was just wrong. "You take the spoon, and swing it, in the direction of the thing that has triggered you wrath." He swung the spoon, knocking over a glass of refreshing juice. "Now you."

Sonea swung the spoon. It hit the table. Her throat felt tight, and she was still unable to mutter incoherently, never mind fully fledged muttering.

"Well done my apprentice." said Akkarin. "Now give those idiots hell!" He saluted her and he and Takan ran out of the room, giggling madly. It took her ten minutes to get to her normal class.

**Interlude………..**

"Takan." said Akkarin, who by now, was starting to gather his wits. " Is it true that Sonea's teachers have been neglecting her?" he asked.

Takan nodded. "The whole thievery thing led to some, unpleasant instances. Like pretending their supplies are used up so that she can't participate." His eyes narrowed. "She has to watch most of the lessons, and gets minimal time to practice the practical. Also, the other novices tend to ruin her projects and the teachers, never properly investigate these instances. However, you taking her as a novice have encouraged them to right these wrongs. If I remember correctly, she got into an argument about seating arrangements." said Takan

Akkarin nodded. "Takan, I need you to quickly get me a shirt. And I need it….Custom made." said Akkarin, placing stress on the last two words.

Takan nodded. The blood gem gave him a good idea of what Akkarin wanted. "Now if you'll excuse me Takan, if had a brilliant idea about the magically reinforced buildings in the city." Akkarin left.

**Exterlude……**

He might have actually been a better teacher before he tried to suck up all the time Sonea thought despairingly as she sat in Lord Elben's class. Regin wasn't making it any easier. They were doing another bout of tests now, to insure they understood everything. They were now heating special glass, which changed colour at the slightest change in temperature. It was mainly used for testing how good a magician was at controlling heat. Her glass globe however, was lying on the floor, while Regin grinned over her.

"My Lord, my globe has smashed." she said, scarcely bothered. She was still wondering what was going on with Akkarin.

"Do be more careful." said Lord Elben. "Let me just check in the cupboard to see if there are any left." He opened the cupboard. The high lord was sitting in the cupboard, in a lime t-shirt with the slogan, _I do are about seating arrangements. _Lord Elben closed the cupboard. He opened it again.

"Don't say a word." Akkarin whispered. 'You must never speak of this." He gestured at another cupboard. "Takan is in the other closet. He has a back up globe. And keep an eye on Regin."

"Yes, my lord." said Lord Elben, bowing his heat.

"Be quite you fool!" yelled Akkarin at the top of his voice. "They'll catch us! They'll catch us!" Akkarin quickly pulled the cupboard door closed.

"Lord Elben, what was that?" asked Seno nervously.

Lord Elben's hands were shaking. "Nothing. Nothing." he said nonchantly. He walked over to the other cupboard and opened it, where Takan handed him a glass globe. "We'll be watching you." said Takan with an evil grin. "Always." Lord Elben resumed the lesson, now yelling at Regin when ever he began to raise his hands. Akkarin nodded, his work was done here. Now, if he was correct, panic should be spreading. When he was sure the class was empty, slid on a cloak, and jumped out letting the cloak ripple as the currents of the air caught it. It was majestic. Without further theatrics he ran to the Night Room.

;';';';';';';;';';';';';';;';;';';'';';;;';';';';';';';';;;';;';';';

"It's the third house that has lost the magic that was needed to support it!" Said a worried looking magician to Lord Balkan.

All the magicians were muttering amongst themselves, but all fell silent when the High Lord entered. "Have any of you seen Lord Lorlen?" he asked, his face perfectly impassive. " Several of the houses are curios as to why they're ah, houses are falling apart. A tad ironic, I feel."

The other magicians nodded. " Lord Lorlen left in a rather big hurry after hearing about the houses. Apparently something awful has happened and he is debating about what to do." said Lord Gerrel.

"Ah." said Akkarin, a thin frown evident on his face.

"Lord Balkan!" yelled a man running into the room. " Fifty more houses have lost most of their magic!"

"It's an epidemic." said Akkarin, who looked like he was fighting to keep a grin of his face.

" Lord Gerrel!" yelled another servant, rushing into the room. " Someone has stolen all your clothes and burned all your personal books along with several love letters!"

"And I believe they wrote nasty things about you on bathroom walls." said Akkarin.

"But why would anyone…. I'm sorry but how did you know that?" asked Gerrel, looking at Akkarin.

"I know everything." said Akkarin, straight faced. He looked up, ignoring Gerrel. " _Take care of Lorlen won't you?" _he asked Takan, through the blood gem. Smiling, he left, ready to continue stage two, drain all the magicians in the guild of their magic.

:":":"::":":":":"::":":":"":--":":":":":":":":":":":":":":

Lorlen was sitting in his room. This was not a good day for him. Akkarin, it seemed, was getting ready to do whatever it is he wanted to do. If he already felt bold enough to drain all the houses, he must no longer feel that the guild holds any threat to him. He should tell the higher magicians, but if Akkarin truly knew no fear of them, that could cost them all their deaths. Unless Akkarin was counting on him reasoning like this. It was a chance. A slim chance but one on which he would act.

"My Lord." said Takan, as he slumped into the room, his side bleeding. Or at least appeared to be. 'Akkarin is going to, to." He spluttered.

"What, what?" asked Lorlen, knowing this might be a trap, but if Akkarin's servant might betray him…..

"To conquer the allied lands." said Takan. "But he has a weakness. Just one. I don't know what it is, only that it has been exploited before. The weakness of all black magicians. You must find this. I believe it's may be hidden in his study."

"Thank you." breathed Lorlen. "I shall do this. Is there anything I can do for you, before you pass on?" He asked. " There is almost no life left in you. Like it's all been drained away."

Takan smiled as the blood began to trickle of his chin. "Just one my lord. I have always, always only been able to take pride in one thing. My cooking. Can you please tell me what you think of this batch of brownies?"

"Okay." said Lorlen, and bit one, and promptly passed out.

"I think I used the wrong leaves." said Takan. "Oh well, there's always tomorrow. Success." He sent Akkarin, through the blood gem.

" _Good. Meet me in the dining hall." _

:":":":::":":":"":":"::"::::":":":":":":":":":""":":"::::""":":":":"":":';;';';":

The magicians were eating their lunch. Akkarin grinned at them. None of the higher magicians were here. All of the magicians didn't know how to recognise black magic, and Akkarin couldn't help but notice, were fairly unattractive.

Akkarin walked into the hall. Complete silence fell through the hall. Lord Elben looked at him with almost unnatural horror. Sonea, it transpired was sitting alone. She stared at him. "Gahhhhhh!" yelled Akkarin, staring at a random novice. "Is that your face or have you been horribly disfigured somehow?" he asked the unfortunate novice.

"No." said the novice with an odd mixture of anger and fear. "I look fine. I have a girlfriend, my lord."

"Nah ah." said Akkarin. "That." he said, pointing at his face. "Can't be natural."

"What are you talking about?" asked the novice, anger beating fear. "I'm perfectly normal looking my lord!" he said.

"I meant compared to me." said Akkarin, pushing back his hood, letting his hair fall loose, and looking a lot younger. "And I wasn't talking physically. This boy is …..Infected!" He yelled. "With a strange and terrifying disease! That's only recently been discovered! It corrupts the magic of the person and shall claim his life unless the magic is drained in a certain way and scattered into the wind!"

All of the magicians stared at Akkarin in horror. Hopefully they would be too confused to find any holes in his story. "The disease is called Stiodi lla er'rouy. It has already claimed the lives of several magicians. I won't allow it to claim anyone else." He looked around. "The only cure is the make a thin cut on your wrist, and let someone who knows how take the contaminated magic." He looked at all of them. "I know how."

"No!" yelled Sonea suddenly. "Don't listen to him! He's trying to drain you magic! He's a dark magician!"

Akkarin stared at her. "Oh yeah? Well, you're a slum dweller." he shot back.

"That's right!' said a random novice. "She just wants us to die of the disease! She probably infected all of us with it!"

"Yeah! Or she wants the position of high lady for herself!" screamed another

"She's slum dweller?" asked a novice, probably from Lonmar. "I thought you said she was a Leprechaun."

"We should kill her!" yelled another novice. "She tried to kill us!"

"No!" yelled Akkarin. "I believe the disease causes a mild form of insanity. You shouldn't act against her because of what she said. In fact, you shouldn't say anything to anyone who wasn't in this room, like the High Magicians for example, for several days. It could lead to their imminent deaths."

"Okay my Lord." said Lord Elben, nodding

"Good. Now, let us begin."

:":":":":::":":":":":":":":":":"::""":":":":

"I can't remember when last I felt such power." said Akkarin, grinning at Takan. "The next Inchani who comes, won't know what hit them. Because they'll be dead."

"Yes, my lord.' said Takan, who was grinning from ear to ear. " But from what I heard, Sonea is giving you trouble. We may have to tell her the truth."

"We'll do that tomorrow." said Akkarin waving a hand dismissively."

"Tomorrow then." said Takan.

**A.N. I note this might offend some people due to the OC ness and other stuff. But, hey. This is supposed to be humour. Supposed to be.**


	3. With great power comes a duck

**With great power comes a duck**

**Disclaimer: The Black Magicians trilogy belongs to Trudi Caravan.**

Akkarin and Takan were, shockingly enough, sitting on their breakfast table, preparing to eat. Takan quietly left the table and fetched two bowls of porridge. "Go fetch me some water." requested Akkarin, and made some quick movements when Takan left.

Takan retuned with water, and they finished the meal in silence. "Takan, about what we're doing, I think we should stop." said Akkarin. "That's why I switched out bowls!" he finished dramatically, brandishing his spoon.

"I anticipated that." said Takan, bowing his head.

"I know. That's why I switched them twice." said Akkarin.

"Good thing I filled both our bowls with herbs then." said Takan, giving a mad grin.

"Oh damn."

"You realise I can no longer trust you with my foodly preparations." said Akkarin, looking at Takan.

" Sorry master." said Takan

"On a lighter note, I'm feeling an unbelievable desire for pieces of flavoured meat stuck on pieces of wood and lightly grilled." Said Akkarin. "Also, we should start making pies. Have you noticed how we magicians never eat pies?"

"It is most suspicious." agreed Takan.

"And alluring." said Akkarin

"And very noble of you." said Takan ,warming do this kind of conversation.

"Noble." said Akkarin. "That gives me and idea. There it goes again. No, wait. Ah screw it. Tell, me do we have any meat left?"

"Yes!" yelled Takan, who had reached a sort of ecstasy. Sweat was pouring down his face.. "Yes we have master! Master!"

"Good! Any inflammable sticks?" asked Akkarin.

"Damn." said Takan. "We are somewhat lacking in that department, master."

Akkarin thought. Mostly he thought about the intersecting patterns his hand made in the light, and about the time he accidentally scammed on Takan's squirrel, and wait, that's not right. But something else was also thinking. Thinking brilliantly.

"I have it!" said Akkarin. "We'll solve two problems in one stroke! We'll invent time travel, and sent a message to the magicians in the past and tell them to turn the entire Sachaka into a waste land and hide a couple of their finest soup spoons behind those three loose bricks in the wall in my office."

"Okay. I'll go get some pen and paper." said Takan.

"Wait Takan!" said Akkarin. "What were we thinking, get some scented paper. Otherwise they will be convinced it's a trick by the enemy." 

"Of course." Takan hurriedly returned with the paper.

"Okay." said Akkarin and hastily wrote something down. "We have our message. Now, time travel, how do we do it?"

" Uh, we focus really hard?" asked Takan.

"Don't be ridiculous." scoffed Akkarin "We wish it across the plains of existence and focus our combined magic upon it." Both men closed their eyes and wished as hard as they could. The paper caught fire.

"Damn!" yelled Takan. "And I was so feeling it!"

"What were you feeling?" asked Akkarin.

"I don't know, but I was feeling it." said Takan.

"Looks like we'll have to make due with a new master plan." said Akkarin thoughtfully. "A way to cause the Ichani to fear us..."

"I have it master!" said Takan. "We pretended that you're a vampire!"

" We'll need evening dress." said Akkarin.

" But first lunch." said Takan.

"Didn't we just eat?" asked Akkarin.

"Yes, but I'm really hungry master. I mean really, really hungry." said Takan.

"To the kitchen!" yelled Akkarin. And off they went. To the kitchen.

()()()((&&&(())()((&))8 Scene!

They were in the kitchen Takan's once extremely well kept and ordered kitchen.

"What's this powder?" asked Akkarin.

"Salt master." said Takan, taking out meat with some light herbs. Not the special herbs mind you. He couldn't remember where on when he put them. Stupid time travel.

"Good. I believe that vampires have quite and affinity for salt and attack salt miners for it." said Akkarin. " That's where the expression up to your neck in salt comes from."

Takan paused. "Master, this may be a fairly small over sight, but what is a vampire?"

"Pessimism is not our friend." said Akkarin. "Say, what is this big pool of red liquid around my feet?"

"Blood master." said Takan. "I think we made as stupid mistake."

"We usually make smart mistakes right?" asked Akkarin.

"Presumably." said Takan. "But the uh, blood is seeping gently from your boots."

"No!" yelled Akkarin. "My toes! Quick! To the healers!" And off they ran, into the mists of the unsuspecting healers.

**Meanwhile, in the high Lords office****……..**

Sonea had, for the past few months lived in constant fear the Akkarin would kill the guild and everything else she cared about in some made scheme. It wasn't clear what the mad scheme was, or if it even was made, but it was a scheme. And that was bad.

" Sonea, I really believe this is going to far." said Rothen. "The high Lord may be acting really ….oddly but that doesn't make him any less dangerous. Searching his office might-"

"No!" Sonea cut in. "There may be some proof, something we can use against him! He bloody well drained every magician in the guild yesterday and we still don't know what he's planning but if he needs that kind of magic then it can't be good."

"I dare say it will be impressive." said Rothen. "But this is risky. He would probably have not kept anything that can be used against him in his office or what not."

But Sonea was already searching frantically. Until- "Ha! These bricks are loose!" she slipped the bricks out. "Look!" she yelled triumphantly. "Look at what he keeps in there!"

"Um…very old soup spoons?" asked Rothen.

"Exactly! Wait…." said Sonea and stared down at the three spoons she held in her hands.

"I think we may have to start working under the assumption that black magic eventually turn the user insane." said Rothen.

"No! Wait!" yelled Sonea. "These are the ye olden soup spoons he spoke of! The ones he claims can defeat anything! They're powerful and evil! Evil!"

"What has he done with you?" asked Rothen with a look of horror on his face.

"I'm not insane!" she yelled. "And neither is he! That's just what he wants us to think! Well, I have his soup spoons….it's on now. Black magic versus the ye olden soup spoons." 

"I'm just going to walk away and find a healer." said Rothen retreating slowly. "Yes, yes."

"My toes! My toes!" yelled Akkarin as they rushed into a crowded hallway. "You over there! Healer lady, fix my toes, quick! They're bleeding! Bleeding!"

"High Lord, what is wrong?" asked the healer. "Oh no, not another evil disease that requires us to be drained of all our magic that we should never tell the high magicians about?" 

"Technically we are high magicians at the moment." said Takan.

"My toes are bleeding! I'm hideous!" moaned Akkarin. "Hideous!"

"It's fine my lord." said the lady healer, removing his boots. "Just a few cuts which appeared to have been done by a duck." She looked up at him. "How is that possible?" 

"I knew that duck was trouble." muttered Akkarin.

"It's like this see, me and the high lord were hungry right, and we wanted fresh duck, not the junk you idiots get because it never is fresh enough. So, we decided to go duck hunting. After and invigorating walk through the slums we bought one at a stall and ran back. Somewhere during that time the uh, duck came loose and we may have caused some, mild, mayhem while recapturing it." said Takan.

"I have a vague recollection of some leopards and a tiger." said Akkarin.

"Isn't he a card?" asked Takan desperately.

"Quick!" yelled Akkarin grabbing a piece of paper out of an Alchemists hands. "I want a picture of this!"

He looked at his toes, focused some what and threw a bottle of ink onto the papers, and a crystal clear image of his bleeding toes appeared. There was silence in the hall.

"What?" asked Akkarin. "Bad lighting? It is rather drab isn't it?"

"We alchemists have been trying to do that for over four hundred years." said the alchemist who looked like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "We eventually gave up." 

"And I'm not even sure how I did it anymore" said Akkarin, scratching his head. "Okay., heal my toes."

"Do you even understand the slightest possible ramifications of what you've just done?" asked the alchemist.

"You alchemist keep whining. No more budget for you." said Akkarin. "See to it that I remember that Takan."

" My lord, how long have you been bleeding?" asked the lady. "Enough blood loss may have…."

" No one wants to heal my toes." said Akkarin. "Well doesn't that just take the bloody biscuit."

"You could just heal them yourself master." said Takan.

"Good point." said Akkarin and his toes stopped bleeding. "And now, I believe tis time I give Lorlen an explanation. While I'm gone, organise a ride, clothes and other things we'll need."

"Need for what master?" asked Takan.

"For when we invade Sachaka. Make sure to pack lightly. I want to beat the traffic and we can't move slowly then." said Akkarin. 

" Okay. I'll go get our stuff." said Takan, and off they went.

()()()(()()()()()()(((((()()()(())))))()()()()()(())(()(()(()20

"Akkarin walked in Lorlen's personal chamber and the man rose, determined and bitter, ready to strike at his friend albeit in futility." said Akkarin. "And Lorlen paused, temporarily disarmed by the sheer strength of the high Lord Akkarin's personality."

"Why are you talking like that?" asked Lorlen. "Narrating, so to speak?"

"Asked, Lorlen in that annoying inquisitive way he had since we grew up in the guild together the bastard, anyway, Akkarin then proceeded to speak, and spoke well, and. Oh I'm doing it again. Sorry. Anyway, it's time I explain this whole black magic thing."

"You're ready to give and explanation?" asked Lorlen. " After draining my entire guild and leaving my virtually defenceless?"

"Of course." said Akkarin. "It's time for the truth. It's a beautiful thing, which like all true beauty can rip apart all who are exposed to it. Lorlen, the first thing you should understand is this. I'm not from the houses. I never was from the houses, and I have no family relations within the houses" 

"And Lorlen's eyebrows rose in shock, as he began to digest the incredible truth his friend spoke on him and

" Stop that!" Said Lorlen. " But how did you get in the guild then? How?"

" A man from the houses had a plan. A brilliant plan. A plan that would give those in the slums with magical potential, like me and Sonea, a chance to become magicians." Lorlen stared. "And he gave me a chance. He found me in the streets, gave me a family, and there were….others. Several who were in on it and whose families claimed to have known me from my birth. I became a student, and you know that part. Together, we excelled."

He paused. "It was then he told me the plan. It was so simple, so brilliant. We would find all those with magical potential in the slums and use black magic to give them our strength and move strength around. And cause mayhem. Seemingly accidental mayhem of course. The guild would have to intervene. But there was a problem. When I graduated, a certain Lord Winar found out about the plan and killed Lord Ekaf, who saved me. In my jounery's I entered a massive hunt to kill him and any accomplices. The hunt led all the way to Sachaka where I met Takan, who assisted me. However, two of the men escaped, so it would not be safe to continue with the plot. Not until they were...dealt with."

"So in my return I started searching but found nothing, except that they knew I know black magic. The started sending out servants who would start killing that would replicate black magicians killings. I was busy, and then, and angel appeared. Sonea. A girl from the slums, in the magicians, and nothing he could do about it! Except make her miserable and try to make her quit and stuff, but it was perfect. She's proven to be a test case, she can prove to the magicians that other deserve a chance! That the slums dwellers deserve the chance. But I needed power. Power enough to destroy the guild if necessary. You know why? If it turns out the slums has bountiful magic potential, you know what will happen? People like Regin and Vash and the other will see it as a threat and I have no doubt they will see killing them as a reasonable alternative. They actually torture a girl between corridors and the teachers turn they're heads, can you imagine if they thought there would be more slum magicians?"

"You are actually planning to let slum dwellers become magicians?" asked Lorlen. "Nothing sinister, like involving Vampires or something?"

"Did you listen to that monologue? Do you know how long it took to make that up?" asked Akkarin.

"What?" 

"Uh, forget the last bit. Anyway, I need your help to ...convince our family to adopt a stray as it were."

"I shall try." said Lorlen, and once again the two friends were united in a common goal. Or something. They weren't fighting anymore. Not that they were fighting before. "If we can find more students like Sonea I truly believe we would be able to do some good in the world. She has great potential."

"And great legs." added Akkarin.

"And great legs and of course she, wait what did you say just now?" asked Lorlen.

"Uh, gotta go!' yelled Akkarin and jumped out the window.

"The really scary thing is that it actually make sense." sighed Lorlen. Sigh.

" Is the carriage packed?" asked Akkarin.

"Yes." said Takan. "I got everything. We're generally prepared to invade a small country. I even stole from the king to pay for the mercenaries."

" Good, good." said Akkarin. "We'll leave tomorrow. I'll need more power. The rest, I can get quite easily. Quite easily."

"Hi ya!" yelled Sonea and broke one of the ye olden soup spoons over Akkarin's head.

"I need to remember to keep a shield up." said Akkarin. " After dinner of course. Come Sonea, my those are some mighty fine soup spoons you have there. But you didn't use them right."

"But I'll learn." whispered Sonea. "I'll learn, and eventually, you'll fall before them."

Meanwhile, in the past…….

"My Lord!" yelled one of the magicians. "A message appeared in the high lord's office! It appears to be from the future!" 

"Oh? Perhaps it warns us about our decision to ban higher magic. The problem is obvious of course." said the general and rolled his eyes. "Although we will ban it, they won't. Let's see what it says."

_Dear general magician guy from the past,_

_Our whom it may concern, not really sure here._

_Greetings! I'm the high Lord Akkarin and I'm in a bit of a pickle here. You see, it's the future and we left black magic, except of course for me, as the high lord and all that, but, the magicians from Sachaka still practise the art and are currently powerful enough to kill us all. The bastards. Please turn there entire country in a wasteland, instead of just half of it and all that._

_Ps. Leave a couple of soup behind the three bricks in my office. We really need it._

_May your soup spoons stay soup spoons!_

_High Lord Akkarin (From the future.)_

"Destroy the entire country! Blow that for a game of tic tac toe! We'll do half. That'll be plenty. What does he think, we're made of stinking time? Huh! Anyway, leave some soup spoons behind the three loose brick in the high Lord's office, there's a good chap." said the general and went on with his generalizing.

**Sorry bout the long delay in updating. I had a lot of school work to do, and my other stories. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it, and thanks for the rewievs.**


	4. Akkarin and Takan go to market!

**Akkarin and Takan go to market!**

**Disclaimer: The Black Magicians Trilogy belongs to Trudi Caravan.**

" So, what's on the agenda today?" asked Akkarin cheerfully, as he got ready to start on the day's breakfast.

"Lets see." said Takan, lifting the list they had completed yesterday after dinner. "Apparently, we have to drain the guild, go to the market, hire mercenaries and invade Sachaka."

Akkarin paused as his spoon was about to enter his mouth. "Go to the market? What is that for?"

"Well, in those old texts it says the lives of many a fine livestock gave his live in a vain attempt to supply the magicians with enough magic to kill the evil guy. So, we thought we go and buy some livestock and drain them." said Takan.

Fear and dread filled Akkarin. "But Takan… there might be more ducks there." said Akkarin, fear evident in his eyes.

"On a lighter note, Sonea appears convinced that the old soup spoons she has will be able to ah , in her own words "defeat _and_ kill you." said Takan.

" Right." said Akkarin. " There is an obvious course of action. Takan, go ready some of your most delicious treats. I will have to seduce her."

"Okay, master I will prepare then presently and, uh, master, why are you taking off all your clothes?" asked Takan.

"The art of seduction is fraught with strange actions Takan." said Akkarin.

"Okay, and why are you wearing a shirt that says "I love sheep" under your robes?" asked Takan.

"It's in case I'm get into a situation where I need an "I love sheep" shirt." said Akkarin. "Namely, for when we show Regin what a real practical joke is like."

"Of course master." said Takan.

And then, logically speaking, Sonea walked into the room.

"Damn! The treats aren't ready yet master!" yelled Takan.

""At last, I've caught the high lord with his ah, robes down and wearing a "I love sheep" t-shirt?" said Sonea.

"Baby, you can catch me with my robes down and wearing an "I love sheep" t-shirt, any day of the week." said Akkarin in his seduction voice. He carefully licked his lips.

Silence. Complete and utter silence. "Master, I think we should run like the afterlife now." said Takan.

"Why?" asked Akkarin.

"NOW!" yelled Takan and grabbed Akkarin, and together they jumped out the window, and then they run off.

**In the guild…..**

"Takan, remember when you told me about that "prank" Regin and his fellows played on Sonea?" asked Akkarin.

" Not really a prank master. They tricked her into going behind a door. And then closing the door." said Takan.

"Strikingly unoriginal." said Akkarin.

"Uninspired." agreed Takan.

"I think, before we leave to hire the mercenaries and such, we have to show Mr. Winar what a real prank is……"

"Of course master."

**In the Arena……**

Lord Balkan, being the kind of person who not only gives dangerous people weapons, but also gives them the keys to the armoury, was currently teaching Regin even more deadly skills and the way they can be used for maximum damage.

The other students would be arriving shortly to join them, and learn more stuff, albeit less lethal.

"Greeting students, today we will be learning." he paused. "Sonea, why did you bring two soup spoons to class?"

"It's a slum dweller thing?" ventured Sonea.

"Oh. Makes sense I suppose." said Balkan. "Anyway, today you will be, oh, greeting Lord Akkarin." he said, bowing, the rest of the students, also bowed to the high lord, although Sonea's eyes flared.

"Lo, all." said the high Lord. "Delighted to see you all, standing around and learning how to kill each other. Well, in some of you cases I hope you put those skills too good use. In any case, I'm glad to say that the medical results of the disease had some unforeseen side effects which I will know have to read." said Akkarin, shuffling his papers.

"Ah, strictly speaking High Lord, it's guild rules that such afflictions be told in private." said Lord Balkan.

"I didn't know that." said Akkarin, selecting a piece of paper.

"Ignorance is not ah, and excuse from our laws, if you would care to remember my lord." said Lord Balkan, as if he was really afraid to say that to the high Lord.

"I didn't know ignorance is not an excuse." said Akkarin. "Don't ruin it for me. Now, luckily, only Regin was affected by the side effects. Regin, I don't know how to say this, but you're a sheep. Also, you're pregnant with a chicken's baby. This may seem a little hard to understand, But to put it simply. You're a sheep. Also, you're pregnant with a chicken's baby."

There was some more silence. "What, that's ridiculous, I'm not a sheep! Nor is it even possible that I can be pregnant, never mind with a chicken!" yelled Regin.

"Mr. Clucky will be hurt when he hears that." said Akkarin, bowing his head. "Very hurt. His one love, denying, his oh forget it, you're a sheep!" said Akkarin, pointing at Regin.

"I'm not a sheep!" began Regin angrily. "I can't change from boy to sheep in a day because of some weird disease!" 

"What disease?" asked Lord Balkan.

"Be quite you!" said Akkarin. "I'm afraid that magic works in mysterious ways. And you are a sheep. You constant denial proves it. Sheep always deny they're sheepness. That's what "baa" means in sheep. I'm not a sheep. All day long, nothing but, I'm not a sheep, I'm not a sheep. The poor, poor creatures."

" This is the biggest load of, I'm not a sheep! Come on, I don't look like a sheep!" said Regin. "I don't act like a sheep!"

"The poor, poor boy." said Akkarin, shaking his head.

"I'm here master." said Takan. "I've fetched the boy parents." Indeed he did. The Lord Winar stood there, his wife quietly sobbing into his shoulders.

"Is it true then Regin?" asked the Lord Winar. "Are you a sheep?"

"I'm not a sheep!" yelled Regin. And was suddenly invisibly silenced before he could say anymore.

The Lord Winar gazed silently at Akkarin. "You already, told us, that's all sheep ever say!"

"I'm truly sorry. If it's any consolation might I just say, it happens to the best of families. You raise you're child, try to raise them right, then they start hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing bad things and bang, suddenly they're a sheep." said Akkarin sadly.

"Is they're anything we can do for him?" asked the Lady Winar.

"Yes, talk it out with him. try and find him a good field some where, among good sheep.' said Akkarin. "And wear this at all times." He said, handing him the afore mentioned I love sheep t-shirt.

"He might constantly deny that he's a sheep." said Takan. "Sadly, that's an all too clear sign of him being a sheep. The best you can hope for is that he stops denying it."

"Come Regin, we need to talk." said Lord Winar.

"All right fine, I'm a sheep!" said Regin. "Happy now?"

"He's coming to terms with it." said Akkarin, with a sad smile.

"It takes a big sheep to do that." said Takan, also smiling faintly.

"Well, we must be off." Said Akkarin. And off they went.

"Takan, I think his parents were a little quick to accept they're son was a sheep." said Akkarin, with a glint in his eye. The other eye had more of spark.

"Of course." said Takan. "They may have suspected it all along. And of course, they were kind enough to sample some of my brownies."

"Though sheep was perhaps a bit of a bad choice." said Akkarin. " He has real strength of character. He is willing too fight for what he believes in, and won't let something he sees as wrong continue. Too bad he didn't know what was truly wrong……."

" I like biscuits master." said Takan.

"So do I Takan, so do I."

**In the Bunch of Grapes tavern…………**

"So, explain to me again how this works?" asked Akkarin.

"Well, its simple master." said Takan. "We act like the kind of people who ordinarily visit these kind of taverns, and then discreetly hire some mercenaries."

"Righto." said Akkarin. "Now, just one pretty big flaw. How do the usual visitors of this fine establishment act?"

" According to lord Dannyl's guide to taverns, the normal person who visits a tavern is aggressive, sometimes withdrawn but always easily angered. There are largely unpleasant, unrefined and boring." He looked up. "We could act like that."

"Aggressive, boring and unrefined." said Akkarin "Got it."

"Hey, why are you two standing in the door?" asked the bar keeper.

"Oh. We're already in the bar.' said Takan. But Akkarin, didn't hear him, because Akkarin, had flung himself across the room straight at the barkeeper.

"Oi, and what's that supposed to mean?" he yelled, grabbing the guy roughly by his shirt lapels.

"Yeah, you son of a pig!" yelled Takan.

"Son of a pig?" asked Akkarin questioningly, letting go of the bartender, "Are you sure that's in character?"

"It sounded pretty boorish to me, master." said Takan.

Akkarin let go of the man again. "Boorish is not on the list is it?"

"I don't know. I'll check now master." said Takan, and took out the list.

It might be interesting to note that every inhabitant of the tavern, who had previously been contemplating weather or not they should kill the two idiots or wait and see if someone else does it, were slightly puzzled. Obviously they were not used to people walking into a room full of dangerously armed people, insulting them and then consulting a list to see if the insult was in character. Obviously they didn't get out much.

"Angry, boring, unrefined and unpleasant." said Takan. "Seems you were right master. Bit of a rum thing there."

"Akkarin nodded. "Anyway." he said, grabbing the man by the lapels again. "What the bloody hell is that supposed to bloody mean?"

" Not fond of life are you?" asked the barkeeper with an odd glint in his eyes. He nodded to a man at the door. A man with a very sharp sword.

"That was actually mildly witty." said Akkarin. "Is that on the list?"

"No master." said Takan. "Perhaps I should add it?" 

"Good thinking." said Akkarin as the guy with the sword came closer.

"Oh, dang." said Takan, fiddling in his pockets. "Does anyone have a quill? Or some other form of writing instrument?"

"Perhaps I should use, magic!" said Akkarin, as the guy with the sword came almost right next to him. "Me being a magician."

The man stopped. The people in the tavern, being the kind of people who obviously didn't get out much, weren't sure if the suicidal person in the middle of the floor was a magician or not.

"Pull the other one." said A man in the corner.

"Of course!" said Takan. "My other pocket!" There was some quick rummaging. "Hmm. I appear to only have some lint, string, rope and a piece of twine. Odd."

"I meant he isn't a magician!" yelled the man in the corner. "I've seen magicians! The always wear big fancy, posh robes. Not green t-shirts that say "I do care about seating arrangements."

"You're still wearing that master?" asked Takan.

"You have to admit, it makes a catchy slogan." said Akkarin. "Especially since I do care about seating arrangements." 

"Just throw them out will you?" asked the barkeeper, eyeing the man with the sword.

"No wait!" said Akkarin. "We haven't hired our mercenaries yet!" 

"Yeah, you silly person!" said Takan.

"Much better.' said Akkarin, nodding at Takan. "Suitably boorish."

"No, boorish is wrong, remember master?" said Takan. "I mean, are any of you in here boorish?" he asked, looking around at the tavern. The man with the sword was really close now. He raised his hand up at Takan.

" Can't you see we're busy here?" asked Akkarin, letting loose a wave of power which pushed the man right through the door, and straight into the street. "The nerve of some people."

"So, are you boorish?" asked Takan. "Come on, I'll have to totally refine my character if you aren't! Otherwise you'll know me and Akkarin are magician who need to hire a mercenaries to help us conquer a small country!"

"So we're not supposed to know that?" said the man in the corner.

"You don't right?" asked Takan, worriedly.

"Uh, whatever allows me to leave here alive." said the man.

"So, any mercenaries who want to join us in our little invasion?" asked Akkarin. "We have provisions!" he said excitedly.

"Uh, master, about that." said Takan. "I'm afraid our pantry was attacked by ducks."

Akkarin eyes went cold. " I probably should have seen that coming." he said. "Anyway, anyone want to be hired by us in our little invasion?" There was the general scuffling of people who tried to avoid his gaze. And then a single voice.

"Sure." said a guy rising out of his chair. "If you pay, then I fight." He was huge, extremely muscled and heavily armed .

"Okay then." said Akkarin. " Well, off we go!"

"Aren't' we going to stop first?" he asked.

"No! To market!" said Takan, and then they left for the market.

**In the market square……**

"You were serious?" asked the mercenary. "We're going shopping?"

"Yes!" said Akkarin ecstatically. "At the market!"

"Of course!" said Takan. "We'll buy livestock at knockdown prices and suck the lives out to give us the strength we need to crush the pitiful Sachakeans."

" Isn't it Sachakeons?" asked Akkarin.

" Doesn't isn't it mean is not it?" asked Takan. "If you like, spell it out or something."

" You're right." said Akkarin. "But then, logically, if that sentence is written out it will be, does not is not it mean is not it." said Akkarin.

"Sounds like you're trying to sell me something master." said Takan.

"It is quite persuasive." said Akkarin. "Good thing grammar doesn't fall into the hands of people who'll use it for bad stuff."

" Eh, what kind of live stock do you two wanna buy?" asked the mercenary.

"Anything but ducks." said Takan. "The master has a bit of a "thing" about ducks."

" You mean like that one over there?" asked the mercenary, looking at a duck. Takan's breath was drawn in. Akkarin fixed his gaze upon the cursed beast.

"It's a duck." he said at last. "Quick, hand me the longbow!"

"Ain't got a longbow." said the mercenary. "What's you got against ducks then?"

"A soup spoon then." said Akkarin. "You can't expect me to believe you'll go to war without a soup spoon."

"Seriously, what do you got against ducks?" asked the mercenary.

"It was one of his kind…" said Akkarin, pointing at the duck. "Who left me so horribly disfigured."

"Uh, I don't see it." said the mercenary. "How did he disfigure you?"

"He bit my feet, leaving them spoiled images of their former glory." said Akkarin.

"Bit?" said the mercenary. "But he's a duck!" 

"What, were?" yelled Akkarin, and he and Takan threw themselves to the floor.

"Why did you tell us to duck?" asked Takan.

"I didn't, I meant that duck!" said the mercenary.

"Takan! There's a duck! Quick, hand me the longbow!" said Akkarin.

"Don't worry master, I have a plan." said Takan. He looked straight at the duck. "Don't bite his feet this time!" he yelled. "Bite his collarbone! Cause it's delicious!"

" That's it." said the mercenary. "I demand extra."

"Quack." said the duck.

"I think its supersonically tracking you master." said Takan nervously.

" Quick!" yelled Akkarin. "What's a cow?"

"What's a what?" asked the mercenary.

"Good point." said Akkarin. "To the wagon!" And they ran. Ran like the afterlife.

**On the wagon……**

"And now." said Akkarin. "To Sachaka!"

"It's time I return to my proud homeland, and claim my right to the throne, as I Takan, cruelly separated from my noble father at birth, was sold into slavery, forever cursed to hide my heritage, and pour my passion into cookery while constantly pouting, and now, at last, I return, to kill the usurping bastard who dareth taketh myeth throneeth!" said Takan.

"Nice monologue." said Akkarin. "Expectably the double e. So you're the right full heir to the throne of Sachaka?" 

" Nah, I just thought the situation calls for an impressive monologue. Us invading a country, that needs a monologue, I said to my self, Takan, I said." said Takan.

"No, you never said." said Akkarin, and they got into an argument. The mercenary sighed. This was going to be one of _those _invasions of a small country.

**Three(2) hours later…….**

"This book makes you wonder doesn't it?" said Akkarin.

"Which one?" asked Takan, as the rode on past the mountain scenery that marked them entering Sachaka. Not that they noticed.

"The emperor's new clothes." said Akkarin.

"Oh, of course." said Takan. "Why people's vanity will allow them to lie to themselves and others? Why do people rather lie and act like they're not stupid then to tell the truth?"

"No." said Akkarin. "It makes me wonder why the emperor wants every idiot in his land to see him naked."

"Same difference. Ah, I see we're here master." said Takan. "At the castle."

"Finally." said the mercenary.

"Quack." said a duck.

"Takan! It followed us!" yelled Akkarin. "Quick, hand me the longbow!"

With a grunt the mercenary grunted,, grabbed the duck and opened his beck. "I don't see teeth." he said. "How could he maim you're feet?"

"Run!" yelled Akkarin. He saw the castle. "Attack!"

**In the Sachakan's king's palace……**

The Sachakan king was not a habitually evil man, nor was he ill informed. He knew something odd was going on at the magicians' guild, and knew Akkarin knew black magic which he learned from the outcasts. He also knew if Akkarin chose to, he could spread the art, and the Allied Lands would once more be able to crush his lands.

He knew and expected a lot. He did not expect Akkarin, Takan, and a single mercenary to run through his gates and yell "All your base belongs to us now!"

**Hmm. This was kind of a bridge chapter, as I originally planned to let the other half of the fic play of in Sachaka. However, hoped you enjoy it, and thanks for the reviews, which gave me plenty of ideas. The Regin scene was pretty hard to write. For some reason I kept choking up while re reading it.**


	5. The last descendent of a bookcase

**The last descendent of a bookcase**

**Disclaimer: The black magicians trilogy belongs to Trudi Caravan**

"Do you think they saw this coming master?" asked Takan as he valiantly started to hit the castle's reinforced wall with a toffee hammer.

"This is like a very large game of human checkers Takan." said Akkarin. "And we're about the double jump them!"

"Eh, wouldn't it make more sense to attack the gates which aren't made of solid rock?" asked the mercenary grunting with exhaustion.

"You mean they have gates made of solid rock?" asked Takan.

Akkarin however, appeared to reach a decision and with one earth shattering blow, bribed a washerwoman to let them in through the back door.

"He's an absolutely horrible ruler." said the woman without much conviction. " Tortured people and all that."

" Eh, don't either of you find it strange that the washerwoman is dressed in extremely expensive looking clothes?" asked the mercenary.

"That bastard." said Akkarin. "Probably a mocking way of reminding her of her lower status."

"She even has one of them knives you used to cut Takan with on the carriage, look." said the mercenary, pointing at the obsidian knife the woman wore on her side.

"That's the final insult." said Takan with disgust. "I mean, it looks al lot like our knife, and our knife is so yesterday. That's just evil. Making the servants wear dated fashion accessories. ."

"OI, can't either you put bloody two and two" began the mercenary but was cut off.

"You think my knife is so yesterday?" said Akkarin, looking hurt.

" No, you sell it master, but- began Takan.

" My lord, here are the so called invaders." said the woman, bowing before the king.

"Hey, we're not invaders!" said Akkarin. " I mean come on, who are you going to believe, us or her?" 

"Her." said the king.

"Oh come on!" said Akkarin. "Whatever happened to bro's before ho's?"

"What happened to what?" asked the king, his eyes brows slowly rising.

" I don't think they play for gangs anymore." said Takan. "I think they now play for real cred."

"I feel I'm failing to understand you." said the king. "Are you attempting some sort of joke?"

"Hey nice portraits." said Takan, moving over to the line of portraits behind the king. "The former kings and queens of Sachaka I take it?"

"Yes, but-

"Hey, who's the guy with the black make up?" asked Akkarin.

"That's king Lorenz the emo. He was the first black magicians who attempted to drain his own magic through shallow cuts on his arms, but I really need to tell you-

" Ohhhhh, I like this one he looks a lot like me!" said Takan pointing to a portrait of a man who, indeed, did look a lot like him. "Can we have it?"

" Takan, that's a bookcase." said Akkarin.

"In the old portraits section?" asked Takan. "Does that mean I'm descended from a bookcase?"

"It's is odd though, that your bookcasish ancestor appears in a portrait right behind an old Sachaekeon king." said Akkarin.

"Maybe they were friends." said Takan.

" I'm rather found of this cedar table I have back at home." admitted Akkarin. "But I don't know if I want to appear in a portrait with it."

" The emerldish red one master?" asked Takan. "Will not it clash with your hair?"

"Damn the power of grammar." said Akkarin. "Oh, wait, Sacchakenozn tyrant, we offer you a choice!" said Akkarin, pointing his hand right at the king who was doing something called a face palm. "We demand that you order the execution of the Inchani or face an immediate drawn out death!"

"That's just it." said the king glaring at both of them. "The Inchani have already left to invade the allied lands. Apparently they're acting on rumors that the guild is infected with some strange disease which drains their magic, which the high magicians must never know about."

"Yes." said Akkarin nodding sagely. "I heard there was a lot of that going around."

"Practically an epidemic." agreed Takan.

" The point is there is an alliance of some of the worst magicians who ever lived, going towards you precious and undefended guild." said the king.

"Sonea is there. And she has soup spoons." said Akkarin confidently.

"Master, she has the power but not the experience!" said Takan. "We must return!"

"I'm afraid you're right." said Akkarin. "Mercenary, arrange us a means of transport." The machinery left, with rather more speed that incontinently possible. The mercenary left too. "But first, we have to talk to the king here about his country's little slave system." Takan also turned and gazed at the man.

"I'm afraid, that it's the only way." said the king. "You have it easy, where you come from one person cannot become powerful enough to destroy your country. He can come close yes, through alliances and allies, but he cannot turn psychotic and destroy everything on his own. The slave system is unfair, but it's the only way to ensure there is balance. If everyone can become a magician again, who will hold who in check?" He gave a thing smile. "That is one reason, the other is that the thing about dividing your people into overlords and underlings is that the overlords, don't want to relinquish their status. And when the overlords have ultimate power, the underlings tend to stay under."

"And revolutions are always caused by the falling overlords meeting the rising underlings." said Akkarin. "And how would you feel, if I destroyed your little convenient balancing act?"

"If you can find a way to do that but leave me country in tact, do so by all means." said the king, his eyes defying Akkarin. "The thing about my magicians are that everyone of them has at least enough power to turn this castle into dust several times. Now imagine what damage they would do to the country if you fail."

"What's my name?" asked Takan looking into the kings eyes.

"Your name?" asked the king. "Takan wasn't it?"

"No, that's my slave name." said Takan. "What's my real name?"

"I don't know." said the king. "Please, enlighten me." 

" Takan." said Takan. "Once you understand that, you might understand why you're wrong. Come master."

"Right." said Akkarin. And the two of them turned and left, pausing only long enough to draw a couple of moustaches on some of the kings and queens.

" Hey you." said Takan, as they stepped outside. "Can you possibly show us the slaves quarters?"

**Back at the Guild:**

"Lord Balkan, there have been several reports of movements on border between us and Sachaka." said a warrior magician to the leader of his faction.

" This meeting is about certain accusations Lord Rothen has made in conjunction with our high lord, who um, left to invade Sachaka. Not mysterious movements on the border." said Lorlen.

"I don't know if it counts as an accusation though, running through the guild yelling Akkarin is on black magic and probably several other banned substances." said Lord Gerrel. "You, for some reason chose to look frightened when the accusation was made." He said, glancing at Lorlen.

" Well, at least my Nephew isn't a sheep." said Lorlen. "My, but your family did raise themselves above the slum dwellers."

"Can we please not go into that argument again?" asked Balkan. "We need to investigate the high Lord residence."

" Yes, and I find it very odd about how hesitant you are to do this." said Lord Gerrel.

"I think it's rather odd that we're having a meeting outside the high Lord's house." said the warrior magician.

"You know what I think is odd Gerrel?" said Lorlen. "Your face!"

" Please, let us act civilized." said Balkan.

"You mean unlike his face?" asked Lorlen.

"Dammit let's just go in!" said Balkan and entered through the door. It still appeared to recognize him.

The house, which was normally clean if narrow, was not rather dirty and wide, as Akkarin had seemingly decided to remove the left wall. There were several signs of a struggle along with duck feathers, a soup spoon and a broken lyre. All in all, not a tad different than the effect the high lord usually created.

"Hmm. He's rather messy isn't he?" asked Lord Gerrel.

"You mean like your mom?" asked Lorlen.

"Lord Balkan, please!" said Lord Gerrel. "He doesn't want to stop!"

"Lorlen, please tone it down." Said Balkan wearily.

"But then Gerrel has to stop too!" said Lorlen.

"Stop what?" asked Gerrel.

"Stop being your face!" said Lorlen.

"What does that- JUST SHUT UP!" yelled Gerrel.

"Oh, you mean like your mom?" asked Lorlen.

"Aha!" said Balkan. "A sinister looking doorway to a basement! Obviously the place he conducts his dark experiments!"

"Oh come on, that's too obvious." said the warrior mage.

" Can you sense the sheer amount of magic coming form that door?" asked Balkan. "No, any possible evidence is right behind this door. We shouldn't even try searching anywhere else."

"Damn straight." said Lorlen. "This seems like exactly the kind of thing Akkarin would do."

"Thing is, with the entire guild being mysteriously tired and drained and all that, I don't think the high magicians alone have enough power to get through this door." said Balkan.

"If only his servant or some other handy figure for whom the door will open was here." said Gerrel. "Then we could force their hand on the door knob and just get in."

"Yeah. That would work. Shame he took Takan with him though." said Lorlen. "So...any other important stuff or could I just go?"

"No, I think we're done here, at least until we regain our strength." said Balkan. "And I need to find out more about these mysterious sightings."

**Back in Sachaka...:)(:**

Takan and Akkarin gazed upon the slaves, who gazed back. There at least fifty of them, and this was just for the king's household alone.

" Hello." said Takan. "We're here to offer you, a chance to kill all the black magician slave drivers in the land. So, who's up for it?"

Most of the slaves look panicked, but one girl with brown hair cautiously raised her hand. "Yes?" said Takan.

"If we could, we would, but we can't my lord." said the girl.

"Once again, I hate grammar." said Akkarin. "Now answer me this. What is it that makes the black magicians so damn terrifying?"

"Well the black magic." said an old man.

" Oh." said Akkarin. "I thought it was their outdated knives." Several of the slaves looked around in confusion.

"No, you're right." said Takan. "Now, what if we could teach you black magic?"

There was uproar, seemingly an intense tango of different voices who could be named fear, excitement and thought full thinking, all though he is a bastard.

"We though about it quite clearly. And it does work. As soon as your master or mistress come and drains one of you, the other with the skill cuts and drains them. Simple, unexpected and probably crazy." said Takan. "That's how we roll."

"But we'll need some of you." said Akkarin. "To spread the art through the other slaves, and try to free them all. And just one more thing." said Akkarin, looking to the sea of faces that were focusing on him like he we very hard to see. "I will only selected those who I know won't misuse the power. To know that, I will have to mind read you. And teach you, and teach you how to teach others." The slaves turned, some of them already formed a line. Most looked like they couldn't belief it or didn't know what to do.

Takan grinned. "Let's begin."

**At the outskirts of Sachaka:"******

"Alright." said the mercenary. "I got us three horses. But we won't be able to go fast until we're over these damn rocks."

"That's was nice of them when most of them gave you their magic." said Takan. "I think it was the first time most of them chose to actually give their magic away."

Akkarin nodded, thoughtfully. "It still may not be enough." said Akkarin. "We need to find a way to secretly send Balkan a message with their weaknesses and a warning. I don't know if we will catch them in time." 

Takan nodded grimly. "We will master." He was silent for a while as they rode. "Master, do you think the plan to free the slaves will work?"

"Probably not, but it might make it more difficult for the black magicians to keep slaves." said Akkarin.

"That's right." said Takan with a sad grin. "Now, how about some more of my pasta?"

"You made pasta on top of a horse?" asked Akkarin.

"Nothing stops me master." said Takan.

**Note: I had written myself into a corner, so the story is now going in a completely different direction. I'm still deciding and how to write the main battle scene, but the only thing I'm sure of is the Akkarin and Takan may try to disguise themselves as reindeer. I love Christmas.**


	6. Slumber party!

**Slumber party!**

**The Black Magicians Trilogy belongs to Trudi Caravan. Mental communications are in italics, along with Akkarin's writing. Takan's writing is in bold. **

Dannyl sat in the guild hall. He and Farand had already spoken, and the Dem was still defying the magicians, and then he said. "He did not lie to us!" yelled the Dem. "He is a Lad! No one is so good a pretender!"

Dannyl stood. "I would like to point out that I was acting under the order of Lord Akkarin, who would testify for me if not for his absence." He sat.

"In fact." said Lorlen. "The High Lord did read me a letter regarding this matter, along with this rather large amount of well baked brownies." He cleared his throat. "I shall now read it."

_Dear entire Guild_

_This letter is to be considered proof that I told Dannyl, the guy, you know Rothen's friend, tried all kind of stuff with paper and._

"Um, this goes on for quite a while." said Lorlen, and looked down. "Ah here we go."

_I ordered him to use rumors that circulated about him, and give the appearance that they are true so that the rebels would trust him so that they though they could blackmail him. Yeah. Anyway, why doesn't everyone try one of the brownies? Takan made them to last!__** YES I DID! **__Takan, go write on your own piece of paper!__** but I want to tell them about**__ I don't care, get your own damn paper__** look you don't have to so ungrateful**__ hey, why are we even writing? We should be yelling!__** You'll do anything to get me off the paper.**__ Look I need to_

"And that, um, appears to be what the entirety of the other thirty pages are." said Lorlen. "So, we know Dannyl, was in fact, under orders. Now how about these brownies?"

The sound of munching filled the room.

"Hmm."

"Delicious."

"Mmmm."

"Death to the mmmmmmmmm"

"So anyway." said Lorlen, swaying slightly. "Anyone got any last comments?"

" Yes!" yelled Lord Gerrel. "I think I know what you meant about my face." There was a lot of nodding in the room as this was taken into consideration.

"Wait!" said another magician. "The laws we have against same sex relationships, do they serve any actual purpose?"

"Well, no." said Lorlen. "Nothing is actually gained by it. Just senseless discrimination."

"So!" said the magician triumphantly. "The only purpose they truly serve is a way for the Dem to claim that Lord Dannyl is a liar, which of course follows on him walking free!"

"But what is your point?" asked Gerrel.

"Your face!" said the magician. "But more importantly, isn't that oddly convenient for him?"

Their was the sounds of three hundred minds hurriedly reaching a horrifying conclusion.

"He tampered with our laws!"

"He knows time travel!"

"I'm partially made of custard!"

All turned to glare at him. "For this sacrilege." said Lorlen. "Not even execution is enough! I say we kill him twice! All in favor make yellow globes!" Yellow globes filled the room. "Take him away. And now, Farand, did you tamper with our laws?"

"Um, no?" said Farand.

"Okay. You're in!" said Lorlen, and clapping filled the room. "There's a lot of love in this room." said Lorlen, happily.

"But how will we make it up to all the people who we discriminated against and forced to fight against there natural feelings?" asked Sarrin, already scribbling new things in the Guilds Law books.

There's only one way we can possibly make up for the past discrimination." said Lorlen. "SLUMBER PARTY!" yelled Lorlen, raising his hands in the air.

"YAY!" Yelled all the magicians and run out to the grounds, where the preparations for the festivities began.

**In the grounds...**

"I have it!" said Lord Balkan, carrying a lot of wood in his arms.

"No, Balkan." said Lorlen with a laugh. "I said slumber party, not lumber party!"

"Drat!" said Balkan in a rare good humor.

"I have them!" said Lady Vinara, walking in with a lot of Slum dwellers.

"Vinara!" said Lorlen, shaking his head. "I said Slumber party, not Slummer party."

"I has it?" said Lord Sarrin, whose constitution was probably hit the hardest. He was riding a yak.

"Oh, come on." said Lorlen. "Did no one get it? Slumber party! Not Yak party!"

" Sarrin, you are a one!" said Balkan, slapping him good naturedly on the back.

And in the midst of it all, sat Dannyl, not quite knowing, in gentle terms, what the fuck was going on. For now, he had only one person on mind. He hurried off to write a letter. Everything was changing. Too bad he didn't know a large amount of super charged homicidal maniacs were running towards his country.

"Come on everybody!" said Lorlen, handing the slum dweller food and drink. "Let's get this party started!"

**Meanwhile in Sachaka...**

"I've thought of something." said mercenary. "A way to kill those Inchani or whatever you call them." 

"Really?" asked Akkarin. "Do tell."

"Well, when a magician dies, he explodes right? So if you manage to kill one of them, somehow, the resulting explosion could take out the shields of the ones standing near him." said the mercenary.

"Yes, but if a magician drops his shield, he usually doesn't have enough energy left to do even the slightest damage when he explodes." said Akkarin. "But the explosion to take out all their shields idea...is intriguing I'll admit." said Akkarin, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"I know what you're thinking master." warned Takan.

"Wait..." said Akkarin. "I'm getting some strange mental communications."

" You mean the guild has discovered the impending doom?" asked Takan.

"Yes , it would seem so. They are currently having a giant slumber party." said Akkarin.

"Without us?" asked Takan, enraged. "Come horses, if there ever was a need for speed, it is now!" The horses started galloping, spurned on by this great purpose.

**9 Hours later...**

"We've reached the fort!" yelled Akkarin. "Now, lets break the egg and make an omelets!"

"An omlettes ?"Asked Takan.

"Uh, I think our horses are dead." said the mercenary.

"Nonsense!" said Akkarin. "They are just resting...with their legs up in the air...while not moving...to conserve oxygen and ensure breathing stays regular."

"You have to admire their sense of purpose." said Takan. "Say, why are large pieces of the fort crumbling and falling apart?"

"Shoddy maintenance." said Akkarin disapprovingly.

"Why did you hire Inchani master?" asked Takan.

"I don't know. It almost looks as if there intentionally blowing everything up." said Akkarin. "That's the last time I work with those people."

"Hey! It's Kariko!" said Takan. "I didn't know he was in the construction business."

"He isn't." said Akkarin, white faced. "He's probably in the auditing business! Run!" And then the mental communication started.

"_Hello, Guild of the Allied lands. I'm Kariko, the leader of the Inchani and I've just destroyed your fort."_ began Kariko.

"_Are you the maintenance people Akkarin hired?"_ Asked Sarrin.

"_No, I'm the person who will kill you all, take your lands and all its wealth and make myself the ruler over all the allied lands."_ said Kariko.

"_Oh. It's just that I thought you were maintenance. We seemed to have broken half our walls." _said Sarrin.

"_I assure you I'm not maintenance. Now, when I come to your country, assuming you want to live, you'll give me-_

"_It's not an insult." _said Vinara._ "Besides you look more like an auditing person."_

"_That's what I said!"_ added Akkarin proudly.

"_You are aware I'm going to kill you all right?" _asked Kariko. _"I'd like to be clear on that point."_

"_Can you do it later?"_ asked Lorlen. _"We're kinda busy right now."_

"_You know, I might have let you live. Now I will kill you slowly." _said Kariko.

There was a pause. _"Will we be able to continue partying while you're doing that?" _asked Lorlen.

"_Quite possibly. Though it will be my kind of party." _said Kariko.

"_It's all good then." _said Lorlen. _"Looking forward to you killing me, very soon."_

"_Oh yeah, and your face Kariko!" _Sent lord Gerrel.

"_No, Gerrel it's only funny when I do it." _Said Lorlen.

" _No, you're a no, Gerrel it's only funny when I do it." _Said Lord Gerrel.

" _Oh yeah? Well your face!" _yelled Lorlen.

" Hmm." said Akkarin. "It seems we will need to hire a new maintenance and repair company."

"Indeed." said Takan. "Do you know we're we are right now?"

" Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're inside the fort. Why?" asked Akkarin.

"So this isn't part of some insane master plan?" asked Takan.

"No, I just wasn't looking where I was going." said Akkarin. "Oh, hello Kariko."

"Hello Akkarin." said Kariko irritably. "As I was saying, we need to ensure we don't catch this disease, because it also seems to lead to insanity, what are you doing here."

Akkarin thought fast. "No, you're a what are you doing here!"

" Damn." said Kariko. "I think we all have it."

**I'd like to thank everyone for all the reviews, and to apologies for the long delay in updating. See, I initially lend the books from someone, and thus, after chapter three, was writing situations almost purely from memory. However I got a copy of the High Lord, and new inspiration followed, particulary the part with Dannyl, which I had forgotten about. **


	7. The face of marriage

**The face of marriage **

**Disclaimer: The Black Magicians trilogy belongs to Trudi Caravan**

"Quick Takan, asses the situation!" yelled Akkarin.

"I think master, we shouldn't have scrabble night anymore." said Takan.

All of the magicians paused. "I'll admit it." said Akkarin. "I'm curious. How did you get by that one?"

" Okay." said Kariko. "I'm afraid we're in a bit of a pickle here."

"Yeah." said Takan. "If your magicians, why haven't the Guilds magicians heard a single one of your mental communications over the years?"

"Takan, you are not versed in the magical arts. Do not make yourself appear all the more plebian like." said Akkarin.

"See! See!" yelled Takan. "How do you beat that vocabulary?"

" It looks like these though got it bad." said Kariko. "And I've found out about your cure methods." He shook his head. "Scatter the infected magic into the winds, of course it's going to infect everyone else you bloody fool!"

"I'm still surprised know no one figured out that if you spell the disease's name backwards, it says you're all idiots." said Akkarin.

" Kariko." said the woman. "Don't fall for his petty deceit. They obviously lie to make it appear that attacking the guild would be bad." She smiled. "But now they're in our power. I say we kill Akkarin and I get his servant." She smiled at Takan in an odd way.

"Great." said Takan. "This is my reward for being a yummylicious hunk of man meat."

" _Akkarin! Akkarin!" _came a mental call. _"The king bids you return-with cookies!"_

"Takan we've got to get to that party!" said Akkarin.

"I think you're taking it too far." said Kariko. "You're right. They have tried deceit, since they do not have the force to match us."

"No sympathy for the servant with the god like visage and cooking abilities." said Takan sadly.

"Come on." said the woman. "You are indeed powerful, and I like to _reward_ my favorite servants."

"You mean you stay away from them?" asked Takan.

The woman's eyes flared and she raised her hand to shoot a strike. Takan jumped out of the way and it hit one of their carts.

"Ha! You will never win!" said Akkarin. "Evil may go to sleep later, but good never sleeps!"

"Verily!" yelled Takan.

"Yeah, so like, back off!" said Akkarin. "Before I do bad things to you!"

"Yeah, they're very bad!" said Takan.

"We've already called their bluff." said Kariko. "Kill them both!"

"I'm Kariko, forget that last order." said Akkarin.

"Quick!" said one of the Inchani turning to Kariko. "What do we do now?"

"You fools!" said Kariko. "It was obviously him who said that last order."

"Run Takan!" said Akkarin, and they turned and ran away.

**Meanwhile Back At The So called GuiDUHld. ...**

"So what I'm trying to say Gerrel." began Lorlen. "Your face is not so much a victim of malnourishing, as an accomplice. It sure as heck doesn't encourage anyone to feed you."

"I'm not Gerrel! It's me Sarrin!" said the old man judiciously.

"You keep telling your self that." Said Lorlen patting him sadly on the back. He went to Osen. "Tell Balkan to do something about Gerrel. I'm afraid he has troubles again."

"So, if we have no enemy's and fighting is not allowed by our allies." began Lady Vinara. "Why on earth do we have so many warriors? Do they enjoy pointlessness?"

"It's like this Vinara." Said Balkan. "See, when a man loves a woman, he usually fishes all day. This is a self defense mechanism, seeing as if he's fishing, he can't seem over eager, nor make a fool of himself in front of her."

"Then how does he get to know her?" asked Vinara.

"Once again you use unnecessary points." said Balkan irritably. " Now, when preparing spaghetti sauce, you should always consider what you're preparing it for, combat or to nurture things. But universally, encouragement and oregano is needed.

"Hey guys." said Lorlen. "So we've thrown the massive party, repented and what not and righted the wrongs, now what will else to people always do?"

"Um, there's usually a marriage in this sort of situation I believe." said Vinara.

"No, you're thinking of steak sauce." said Balkan. "That requires a more delicate dust. Now, you use the open flame to make the oil gently steam, producing a sort of warm atmosphere."

"Hmm. Yes, but whom?" said Lorlen.

"Hey, what about Lord Dannyl and that lad he was with?" asked Vinara.

"Okay, I'm pretty sure you're thinking of how to bake French bread now." said Balkan. "For that, you take a chicken, and insert two dozen fingers into your eyes to cure the ache."

" Capital!" said Lorlen. "I'll get right on it."

"What the hell is french?" asked Lady Vinara.

"I have no idea." said Balkan. "But it sounds delicious."

**On the rocky road between Akkarin and the homicidal maniacs and the guild...**

"Master, do we have a plan for confronting them yet?" asked Takan.

"I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do." said Akkarin. "The trick of course, will be to not die."

"I could tell the guilds to cancel our milk orders." said Takan helpfully.

"No, I think I should stay alive." said Akkarin.

"Okay. Master, have you noticed just how much running we've been doing lately?" asked Takan.

" No Takan. I was too busing grilling ostriches to notice." said Akkarin.

"Wow. You think I'd notice that kind of thing." said Takan, and on they ran.

**At the guild, with Sonea...;":"************ ") ()() **

A normal person, when confronted with situations which are so improbable that they might as well be impossible, goes insane, or accepts it, or changes really quickly. But they rarely stay the same. Sonea grew up hearing that the magicians were terrible soulless people with fine robes and terrible powers. Now she learned they were terrible soulless people with bad taste in robes and terrible parties. Who were throwing a slumber party. In the middle of the day. And they've already broken three of the walls. The roof looked ominous now.

" Hello Sonea." said Seno. "I don't know how to say this, but I'm in love with you. And I don't care if you prefer old guys like Rothen. Really, we can work with that. We can with anything."

"Um, Seno, are you okay?" asked Sonea.

"No, I'm not okay. I'm Seno." said Seno, looking angry.

"Um, are you okay and Seno then?" asked Sonea, starting to get worried.

"No I'm just Seno! What the, are you planning to kill me steal my liver so that you and Akkarin can do the darkest and most tantalizing of sex magics?" asked Seno. "Cause I'm okay with that. We can work it. All night long if necessary." He was nodding now, back with the old confidence.

" Seno, are you sure you're okay?" asked Sonea.

"I'm not okay! I promise!" yelled Seno. "What the heck is wrong with you? Can't you feel the searing passion that burns through my veins? My dark forbidden longing for you? My utter devotion to every aspect of your waking life?"

"Are you sure you're okay?" asked Sonea. "You don't sound okay."

"Gahhhhhhhhh!" yelled Seno. Now would be a good time for Sonea to consider never adding any of Takan's herbs to her food again. Ever.

**At Lord Dannyl's place, thing[[[[**

"Did you miss me?" asked Tayend as he walked into the room.

"Tayend! What the bloody hell are you doing here?" asked Dannyl, red eyed.

"I've come to visit. Come on, it's not like a small group of super charged homicidal maniacs are running here." said Tayend.

"Well, yeah, but everyone's gone insane! They rewrote all our laws about being a lad, they ate brownies they're having a giant slumber party...Lorlen is buying doves for some reason." said Dannyl. "Really, you're about a safe as you would be if a bunch of homicidal maniacs are running here right now."

"Oh well." said Tayend. "Have you seen that half off the walls have been knocked down? Wait, what laws have been changed?"

"All our laws against same sex activities." said Dannyl. "Even this odd one we had about men not being allowed to play water polo on Free Day."

Tayend looked thoughtful. "Of course, the same accepting attitude is not adopted everywhere yet, so it may still be dangerous to admit our relationship. But hopefully the Guild's example will be followed."

"Um, we're not the Guild anymore." said Dannyl, looking uncomfortable. " It was decided we would now be the GuiDUHld."

Now Tayend looked sort of angry. "Please tell me why you people are in charge of Allied Lands magic."

"Tayend and Dannyl!" said Lorlen, walking briskly into the room. "Just the people I wanted to see!"

"Oh no." said Dannyl slowly.

" Are you two ready to be married?" asked Lorlen. "We feel it'll give the slumber party such a...finished feel."

" I don't think we're ready for that one part yet." said Tayend.

" We're still getting to know each other." said Dannyl. " And we shouldn't rush this relationship."

"I think we both want to just be together. Anything else is just...unnecessary." said Tayend.

"Fuck." said Lorlen. "Now who are we going to marry?"

"What about Lord Gerrel?" asked Dannyl. "He seems as if he won't get married any other way."

" You have put your finger into the heart of the problem." said Lorlen. " No one is that desperate. Even if he wears a paper bag over his head."

" Hey!" said Gerrel. "I'm the topic of great marriageable interest among the ladies, sometimes."

"He doesn't even make sense." said Dannyl.

"Unlike the typical GuiDUHld magician of course." said Tayend rolling his eyes.

"I have it!" said Lorlen. "We'll marry you to your face!"

"Oh dear god." said Lord Dannyl.

Gerrel's face lit up with a mad smile. "I'll do it!"

**Meanwhile, in a near by field...**

Regin sat in his cell or pen , or whatever it was that Lord Dannyl had designed for the "modern sheep."

"I'm the only sane one left." he said numbly. "And I'm not even allowed at the stupid party!"

"Hello Regin." said Sarrin, walking in and looking oddly Gerrel like.

"Oh crap." said Regin. "Or have you finally-

"No, the fondue is not ready yet." said Sarrin.

"I meant have you noticed I'm not a bloody sheep!" yelled Regin.

"Of course!" said Sarrin. "You are not bloody at all!"

"I'm not a sheep!" yelled Regin. "I'm a real boy!" Sarrin's eyes filled with sympathy. This situation called to closely to the "Pinocchio" episode they had earlier.

" Regin, you are a sheep." said Sarrin. "It's called...evolution." Regin now looked shocked or what now.

"Okay." said Regin. "That makes perfect sense. A sheep is much better suited to a magicians Guild than a human form!"

"You see Regin." began Sarrin, ignoring him. "Evolution is the theory that your body can adapt to better suit your environment. Unfortunately it seems that your body, is in fact retarded. On a cellular level. Hence the new, sheep form."

"Brillaintly thought out." said Regin. "My new sheep body that doesn't look, feel or smell like a sheep body. Yes, I see it now. HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET TO BE HEAD OF THE ALCHEMY DEPARTMENT?!?!"

"Ah, Regin, I was afraid you would be blinded by dogma. You see, all sheep look different. Like you're uncle Gerrel, you simply look a lot different. Of course, you also bathe regularly, which explains the lack of smell, and you're feeling wooly already."

" That's because the bloody Lord Dannyl put a sweater on me! Several sweaters! And "I do care about seating arrangements!" is not a catchy slogan! Why is it on all the sweaters?"

"Wow!" said Sarrin. "Most sheep can't even grow colored wool, never mind grow it so that it spells witty albeit drab slogans!"

"Hey, I can talk too!" Said Regin. "Isn't that a hoot for a sheep?"

"You're right!" said Sarrin slowly. "Sheep don't talk..." He suddenly grinned widely. "Okay who learned ventriloquism?"

And Regin was left to ponder the depths of human stupidity, and to eat a lot of pies the magicians had left him, since magicians didn't eat pies.

**At Lord Gerrel's wedding...**

"And you may... Okay seriously, what do I say now?" asked the Lonmar priest.

"Whatever your heart tells you." said Gerrel, gazing into the mirror that held his sweet, sweet face, albeit veiled.

"I can't believe I'm the best man." said Lorlen proudly.

"I can't believe I'm the best face!" said Lord Balkan.

"Me neither." said Lorlen, patting him sadly on the back.

"Okay, we are gathered here today, by the results of which I can only guess to be excessive drug use." said the priest. "Anyway, do you, Lord Gerrel of Winar, take your face in holy matrimony?"

"Believe me, some of the things we're going to doing ain't holy." said Lord Gerrel.

" And that can be used as a brief history of hats." said Balkan.

"Okay." said the Lonmar Priest. "We can only pray you will be smited. Anyway, do you take you're um...face to be your lawfully wedded, um, wife?"

"I do." said Gerrel. "Just like I'll do you all night long."

The priest turned to the "wife". "I give up." he announced. "Well, bye everybody, and please leave me alone form this point forward, and if possible, backwards."

"Can you feel the warmth?" asked Lorlen, with a sigh.

"Nope, but I can feel the nausea." said Balkan.

"Close enough." said Lorlen and they left Gerrel too his um...face.

**Next to some abandoned houses, just outside of the slums...**

"This the place." said Akkarin, during around to face the Inchani.

"Fool!" yelled Kariko. "You can't possibly hope to match us! The grandstanding won't work!"

"Wow." said Takan. "Tiredness through too much running can make threats suck."

"I'm afraid, that now." said Akkarin. "You all die. He looked at Takan. "It might be a good idea to cancel the milk anyhow." He shook his sleeves and his hidden power he had absorbed recently started flowing.

And then, as the history books say, it was just Akkarin. Who exploded. Of course, Takan's cooking is heavily suspected too have influenced the writings of said books. Honestly, how can a cow not be cow?

**Okay. This is the last chapter, minus the epilogue, which will wrap up the loose ends. This chapter took a while because I wanted to added every scene I had in mind for the fic. And power cuts. I blame power cuts. Anyway, thanks for the rewievs, and I hope you enjoyed it.**


	8. Takan’s Secret Herbs

**Takan's Secret Herbs**

**Disclaimer: The Black Magicians trilogy belongs to Trudi Caravan**

He was, for those who cared to remember, a brave man. He had titles, lived with honor, even if it was with a certain disregard for the rules, and was, all in all, better than most could hope to be. He was the cold, intimidating High Lord.

And all that was gone. All that was left now, was Akkarin, and he knew what he had to do now.

"Hello Sonea." he said, with a valiant attempt at low strungness, if that's even a word or expression or something.

"Greeting High Lord." she said. "You managed to defeat the Inchani I see."

"How did you" he began.

"Takan told me." she said, with he eyes closed. "He told me everything. Your life story, his life story, the story of his pet cat he apparently gave birth too, and of course, why you use black magic."

"Um yeah." said Akkarin. "So, wanna see my memories of the cat thing? It's damn funny."

"How could you lie like that!" she asked angrily. "All this time you acted like you were evil! Why couldn't you just tell me the truth?"

"Because um, Gerrel's face?" suggested Akkarin.

"That won't work on me." she warned.

"Because I lo-when I first saw you, I though, I'd hit." said Akkarin.

Her face widened in shock. WTF? Okay, that was bad writing.

"What?" asked Sonea, in her afore mentioned face of shock.

"I have intense feelings for you." He sought around for a way to make this less embarrassing. "And fish. I love fish."

"You love fish?" asked Sonea.

"But I love you more!" said Akkarin hurriedly. "In fact, you're much nicer than fish. Less finny."

"So, your love life is a choice between me and fish?" asked Sonea. "I feel so flattered."

"I better untie my hair." said Akkarin. "Now, prepare to be woowed."

"You don't do this a lot right?" asked Sonea dispassionately.

"I already have over 108 marriage requests." said Akkarin.

"Yeah but you still don't got the onions like Takan." said Takan. "Hey you two."

"Takan, we are making sexy talk, go away!" said Akkarin tetchily.

Sonea appeared to be considering something. "Won't the guild complain if you um, court me?"

"Well, if they do, I'll piss on them." said Akkarin.

"Now, Now master." said Takan." You don't need more marriage requests."

"All in all, you can try." said Sonea, and walked off, blushing slightly.

"Well master, I'd say you have a long, pleasurable, steamy trek ahead of you" said Takan.

"You made brownies again?" asked Akkarin.

"Yep." said Takan, handing him two. "Gerrel is extremely angry about everything that happened though."

"Yes, I heard he through an entire class out just so that he could vent his anger in the arena." said Akkarin nodding.

Both of the men, now standing almost directly outside the arena, could hear Gerrel's shouts as he hurled more and more powerful blasts.

"Do you think he know you drained most of the arena's magic for your little trick?" asked Takan.

There was a shout as the entire arena seemed to shatter and collapse. On top of Gerrel.

"Maybe." said Akkarin, considering it.

**Due to how shorth the chapter would otherwise be, and for other bad reason, three omake's!**

**OMAKE 171: The Duck Vs. Akkarin's toes.**

"Are you sure we can find fresh ducks here?" asked Akkarin.

"Of course master." said Takan.

"But...it's a sewer." said Akkarin.

"Even ducks have to use the bathroom sometime master." said Takan, nodding sagly.

"But the other thing, why are we covered in wool?" asked Akkarin.

"Camouflage master." said Takan. "Ducks can't see some colors, and since white is all colors, they can see none of it."

"What about the colors they can see?" asked Akkarin.

"Hey master look!" It's a duck!" said Takan.

"Takan...that's a orange." said Akkarin.

"Wait, you mean we're not looking for doranges master?" asked Takan.

"Huh?" said Akkarin.

"Ducks and Oranges! Remember master! We're hunting them!" said Takan.

"What is an orange doing in the sewer?" asked Akkarin.

"It must be their natural spawning ground." mused Takan.

"You think he has a family?" asked Akkarin.

"Good point. We should stick to hunting ducks."

"Okay." said one of the thieves. "We release the ducks, and hope they go away."

"I think you dropped your orange." said the other thief.

"We'll surly avoid scurvy if eat it!" said the thief, and released the duck.

"Hey Takan, while we wait, do you wanna play some shoe tag?" asked Akkarin, taking his shoes off.

"Master, a duck!" yelled Takan. "And all of you toes are unprotected!"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

**That Omake was my tribute to my favourite game series. Damn it was awesome. This next one, is kinda freaky.**

**Tarrin/Akatan**

"Takan, what happens if we die?" asked Akkarin.

"I'll ask the next person who dies master." said Takan.

"See, I'm worried cause heaven doesn't want me, and hell's afraid I'll mess up the feng shuey." said Akkarin.

"Hell is shoey?" asked Takan.

"Wack!" said Akkarin. "I thought it was like, flamey.

"Maybe the shoes are ugly." said Takan.

"Or maybe it a conspiracy..." said Akkarin.

"Yeah, all pretty shoes are from hell. That's why they hurt so much." said Takan.

"Your shoes, they make me wanna POUT!" said Akkarin.

"Ohhhh, too much information master!" said Takan.

"Come on, don't you want me to make it a little hot in here?" asked Akkarin.

"Yes master." said Takan. "It's impossible to make the porridge otherwhise.

"So Takan, do you live in fear of my pretty boy pose?" asked Akkarin.

"No master, I bathe daily now." said Takan.

"It really was that bad?" asked Akkarin, deflating.

"Kinda. You're in the middle of a wasteland, finally free of a live of slavery, and bang! Pretty boy pose." said Takan.

"I kind of like your...man thing." said Akkarin, blushing.

"Look, I only brought the fly swatter for the kitchen! You're not going to use it to comb your hair!"

**That's the conversation where the entire idea for the story came from. I was bored, wrote that, then wrote a story around the theme and style.**

**Usally my fics end with karaoke, but for reasons I can't explain, this one will end with cheers!**

**Yeah, an Omake!**

"Okay." said Lorlen. "Explain to me again why we are going to be cheerleaders?"

" To give Akkarin the hidden strength he needs to win!" said Gerrel, with a gerrel grin.

"Okay. Then lets get this over with." grumbled Rothen. The magicians were still dressed in robes. Instead of pom poms they had those damn sticks I keep seeing on the covers.

"Here we go!" yelled Gerrel.

C-A-ND-LE

That's why you're so candley

You're a candle.

Yeah, my trousers.

F-A-C--E

That is what's wrong with me

My face

Yeah, my face.

Don't be an kleptomaniac!

Don't be an insomniac!

Those words don't rhyme good!

A-KK-9-7-1I Paradox!

He's our guy! You messed with him

And you're gonna die!

M-I-S-S-E and D

That's why it's you I see

Your brother wanted to

Fuck your mom in the ass

And he missed, yeah

He missed.

P-I-S-S-E and D

That's why your uncle

Is your daddy

And he's pissed.

Yeah, he's pissed.

It was at that moment which Akkarin chose to unleash his magic, and create a shield to protect himself and Takan. Of course they ran, and eventually the blast threw them into the cheerleader magicians. And there was much rejoicing.

"Hey! We're not dead!" Said Takan.

"And I didn't even have to use my soup spoon!" said Akkarin.

The two men, after quite possibly doing the most incredible things in history of ever, stood and thought.

"F-U-C-K-E and D." sang Akkarin softly.

"Mess with us and that's how your future'll be." said Takan.

"You're fucked! Yeah, your fucked!" said Akkarin.

"So bring it on!" yelled Takan. "All ye ducks!"

**The end. Yeah, it kind of went insane in the end, and not in a good way. So anyway, I'm considering a sequel, called Slum Cleaning, where Akkarin and Takan have to help the new Slum dweller students in the guild.**


End file.
